Sanity Requiem

by BK James

/
  • Streaming + Download

     

1.
2.
3.
4.
04:00
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
06:41
10.
04:40

about

Amen.

credits

released April 20, 2015

written, performed, and mixed by BK James
recorded in 2014 & 2015 at Newport Pleasure II Studios in New Paltz

© Three Penis Productions

tags

license

about

BK James New Paltz, New York

BK James is the infamous co-founder of Three Penis Productions, an experimental music label, and has been steadily releasing music since a handful of BK & KGC songs appeared on Youtube in 2010. For more from BK, check out:

contact / help

Contact BK James

Streaming and
Download help

Redeem code

Track Name: To Those Still Alive
To those still alive
Searching for a simple sign
The answers you seek are inside
Of splintered mind comes a hindered life

My presence evokes dark images of wintertime
Now I'm trying to steal your heart because someone else
Irreparably injured mine
I'll never be genuinely kind
That's like selling paintings to the blind
They may be beautiful but they're all lies
It feels like using sandpaper to dry your eyes
Which I'd rather do than smile
And shake hands with someone I despise
I might be vile but that's something I decide
When bitches start bitching I spit bile, generosity denied
And that's how we currently arrive
At this point of no return, I'm sure it comes as no surprise
To find the following so cold you'd think you'd died
So if after tonight if I never get another chance to look into your eyes:
Goodbye
Track Name: The Black Canvas
There's no life on Mars
There's no peace in Heaven
I'm not a preacher
And this is not a sermon.

Every trip down memory lane
I regret for the journey
I tread through the thick of it
Knowing it'll hurt me

Sleep is better than death
But not by much
I know the inner workings of love
But not by touch

Plagued with sorrow
Wracked with madness
The picture was complete
When I bought the black canvas

Some say life is too short
But I think mine is slow enough
I'm the oldest of my friends
And the least grown-up

If I feel like shit
It's because I am
If I commit a sin
It's because I can

The meal is served
And I been starving
A pity it was my heart
That I was carving

Plagued with sorrow
Wracked with madness
The picture was complete
When I bought the black canvas

I've burnt some bridges
And broke some glass
I still feel vindicated
By every window I smash

I've been kicked out
And I've been arrested
And I still think the worst bit
Is yet to be digested

It's not my fault
If I wanna die young
And expedite the process
For when my time comes

Plagued with sorrow
Wracked with madness
The picture was complete
When I bought the black canvas

Responsibility
Is killing me
Drugs are withering
My mental fertility
Still it seems
Better than rotting in a facility
Are you kiddin' me?
Sometimes I think I'm like a cancer
That's kills divinity
And drinks in the abysmal imagery
I weave the simile
Savagely aiming for invisible timidity
I could make it happen
If I had enough creativity
The canvas lay blankly before me
I hear the angels callin'
An artist needs a piece
But my heart is stallin'
I splatter it with my soul
And I'm crest fallin'
Track Name: Forever Sorry
It's too much to bear
And it's too late to change
It'll never get better
Or so desperation claims
And everyone who believes these claims
Desperation claims
And draws in the reigns
And turns up the heat
But turns down the flame
Ice grows in their hearts
Drugs go in their veins
And even if they don't
Love won't keep them warm
So their disposition is always the same:
Forever sorry they were ever born
What a shame

Forever sorry
Endless apology
Nobody
Got nobody
Desperation whispers in your ear
You'd be happier if you had never been here
Honestly
And it won't hurt
Hardly
And when it's over you won't be
Sorry

Kristina never went to a party
She works hard for her money
Used to go to church on sunday
But not for some time
She likes a bunch of dumb bands like sublime
Rarely gets a chance to unwind
Kristina's hope is dropping sharply
She think's she's so ugly
And wants nothing more but to runaway
And kill today
You only get one live
She wants to die tonight
Because she can't continue to hide
From her emotions though she tries
So hard to stay alive
But the temptation to play with knives
Warps her mind
She thinks drawing blood is the only way
To feel the warmth inside
Got her ribs kicked in
Didn't even cry
No more tears from these black eyes
She remembers the salty sting of pride
And sometimes at the sunrise
It feels like it's been a good ride
But it's time to say goodbye
Why Kristina, why?
Why don't you fight back
You might find a nice guy
If you stop wearing so much lack
She knows what it feels like to be loved
But not to love back

Forever sorry
Endless apology
Nobody
Got nobody
No end in sight except a sloppy
Gory second of glory
And then there's no more apologizes
No more emotional chokehold policies
People are shit
They treat you like property
You're more than a commodity
You're more than just a body
Obviously
And desperation whispers in your ear
You'd be happier if you were never here
Honestly
And it won't hurt
Hardly
And when it's over you won't be
Sorry
And when it's over you be
Sorry

How bad can it get?
She asks herself and wipes the spit off her face
And picks up her things
The aches and pains are nothing new
And people may look on but they hate to fucking do
A god damn thing
For a bird flying home on broken wings
When she landed in her nest
She didn't look depressed
What she was feeling was too much to express
The anxiety persists
It's too much to accept
She didn't know what to expect
At the end of this death wish
She couldn't even guess
She put the blade to her wrist
Just to take an inch of flesh

She likes the smell of blood when it's fresh
She likes to paint her arms blood red
Blood dripping on the bed
Blood gushing, rushing to her head
It's the most she ever bled
It's the best
She could pull the knife away whenever
But keeps cutting instead
No regrets

Inches away from death she wept
Swept up in the moment
Hopeless and broken
Her least breath crept up
And was stolen
The blood keeps flowing
She can barely keep her eyes open
She questions where she's going
Despite introspection she still insists
It's a suffering worth knowing
At least now they'll know she suffered
The blood keeps flowing
Her heart fluttered

She considers what a disgusting corpse
She's left to discover
Maybe she should have left a note for her mother
She shudders
Smothered with blood's cold comfort
Who ever said it won't hurt?
It's worse than love
She looks down at her shirt and thinks
"There's too much blood"
Yeah, there's too much blood
There's too much blood, baby
Yeah, there's too much
There's too much blood

There's a flood in the valley
Carved into her arm
She receives no grand finale
No shocking revelations
No ride through the stars
No new sensations
No near-death experience type charms
No delicate explanations
Or glorious illustration
Of the inner workings of her heart
And definitely not a map that says "here you are"
We all play a part
Hers fell apart
Now it's all gone dark
Where she'll lay forevermore
Unless someone knocks on the door
And recharges the spark
But I'm not sure that'll work
But what do I know?
I'm a jerk
How will this tale end?
I'm not sure
But for what's it worth
I hope an unquenchable lust for life is unearthed
Within her but she'd have to survive first
And the pressure and anxiety
Her survival would bring forth
From concerned family and friends
Would probably just make her want to die more
There's so many things she didn't have time for
And maybe I'm just a little sore
I didn't make her my whore
Kristina if your still alive tonight's yours
But if your dead
what the fuck am I still crying for?
Track Name: Afraid
I'm not afraid
To say I'm afraid

Saying all we have to fear is fear itself
Is like saying the worst part about dying
Is death

But I'm not afraid
To say I'm afraid

Afraid to fail
And afraid to fall
Afraid I've been derailed
And all
The drugs and alcohol
Caused my serotonin
Levels to drop so low
They'll never replenish
Going through the motions
Detached from the premise
Phoning it in from another dimension
I'm so pretentious
But when I look in the mirror I see only Blemishes

But I'm not afraid
To say I'm afraid

Afraid of a restaurant I ate at in a nightmare
It has no name but last night I was right there
I swear
It doesn't exist and yet I still care
Still cling to my despair
Still bitter I didn't get my share
But I won't do a thing
I wouldn't dare
I'm too scared

But I'm not afraid
To say I'm afraid

Every time I crawl out of the shadows
I find myself falling in artificial love
Which is bound to burn out quicker
Than the artificial sun
Oh, if only I wasn't so shallow
And you, being super superficial yourself
Well you made it all about yourself
And how can I say I don't doubt myself
When all I do is doubt myself?
It was always about myself
Now I bake all day in the artificial sun
But unfortunately when I wake
I ain't caked in artificial cum

But I'm not afraid
To say I'm afraid

Of dying alone
But then again who won't?
As I gaze through the smoke
I see a lonely throne
Or maybe it's a tomb

Afraid this vision will end soon
I'm afraid I ate too many mushrooms
I'm afraid I wrote too many looney tunes

And now I don't have much left to do
I'm afraid only death will save me from you

But I'm not afraid
To say I'm afraid

Afraid I've been on the same page for too long
Afraid I'll never move on
Afraid I'll never let go
Because from that first blissful second
I laid eyes on you
My love has been nothing but an echo
Track Name: Suffer the Past
It was an accident
I swore it'd never happen
I was overwhelmed by passion
And now I love her more than I should
You know I can't control my actions
Yet you never understood
I can't explain the attraction
It's more than I can fathom
But if I could, I don't think I would
She's so much different than you
I just wanted to try something new
Moving on is what I've longed to do
It's true
I want to be more than shit at the bottom of your shoe
But for some reason I have a feeling you and I
Are not yet through

I was so happy to have something at last
I'd been waiting so long to have you in my grasp
For a second we were having a blast
But it shattered so fast
Gone in a flash
And a thousand years later
I still suffer the past

I was so happy to have something at last
I'd been waiting so long to have you in my grasp
For a second we were having a blast
But it shattered so fast
Gone in a flash
And a thousand years later
I still suffer the past

Oh, Amy, she's perfect for me
She likes my corny
Poetry and stories
You always found so boring
I think about her all night
And she's on my mind
When I rise
In the morning
I don't feel the same shame for adoring
Her that I did for you
And I don't feel regret for ignoring
Your warnings that I didn't heed
Like the millions of texts I sent but you'd never read
Initially you told me I wouldn't be
Able to handle you and I was finally forced to agree
Defeat conceded
A few short years before I wrote a song called 'conceited'
About my inner weakness
But despite the title I still bitterly
Lived in misery
Because of the way you treated me
I used to think you completed me
Which is the reason I'm still depleted
Never thought I'd meet another girl who might be
That big, missing piece of me
But I did Amy, and she's perfect
So why do you still dwell beneath the surface?
Until I'm certain I'm vermin
Incurably infatuated, sure I serve no purpose
But as long as one last lick of flame
Still flickers in my heart's furnace
I'll still be determined
To make her mine
Like I demanded of you when you were still a virgin
Which you haven't been in a very long time
Yeah, I'm still determined to make her mine
Like I demanded of you when you were still a virgin
Which you haven't been in a very long time

I was so happy to have something at last
I'd been waiting so long to have her in my grasp
For a second we were having a blast
But it shattered so fast
Gone in a flash
And a thousand years from now
I'll still suffer the past

And I'll torture myself for never getting a chance
And I'll torture myself for never getting in her pants
I would give anything for one last chat
But she's leaving me, Amy, and that's that

I was so happy to have something at last
I'd been waiting so long to have her in my grasp
For a second we were having a blast
But it shattered so fast
Gone in a flash
And a thousand years from now
I'll still suffer the past

I was so happy to have something at last
I'd been waiting so long to have her in my grasp
For a second there we were having a blast
But it shattered so fast
Gone in a flash
And a thousand years from now
I'll still suffer the past

She's leaving me, Amy
Just when I thought I was getting close
She deceived me, Amy
Love ain't so fleeting ain't it
I remember when you got up and walked away
I went ape shit
And I punched a hole in the wall
All for your mother's entertainment
I found someone new for your information
But she's leaving me, Amy
So I come crawling back for more of the same shit
Well aware of the implications
Track Name: The Angel Inside of You
Oh, Amy
It's been so long since we talked
That I can't even remember the last thing we talked about
But I still remember how it felt to hear so much resentment
In your voice
And it's been so long since we fought about
How we got nothing to to talk about
I've almost convinced myself it's all noise

I was just your toy

I care about you more now more than you ever cared about me
And it feels like I've been whispering that over and over in my own ear
For at least a century

We weren't meant to be
But you knew you meant so much to me
I tried to downplay your sexuality
You were so pretty
I could've waited an eternity
But I don't blame you for eventually needing to get away from me
That's fair
I shouldn't have tried to make you fill the void
I always made you so annoyed
You always made me so jealous
I used to give you presents
Just to let you know I cared
And every one in a while
I'd say something stupid so you'd give me a smile
Just to let me know I'm real
I loved our wild little schemes
I still want to give you everything you need
I want you to feel the way I feel
I want to give you all my seed
But all you ever give me
Is five minutes in a dream

I know I hurt you
Hurts me too
Still hurts me every single time you find someone new
You gave me fear, anxiety, tears
And cigarettes when I was broke
I gave you tears, lies, bad vibes
And the first cigarette you ever smoked
I gave you an addiction
Because I wanted you to be addicted to me
Like I was addicted to you
But I couldn't afford your love and love is never free
Now all you ever give me
Is five minutes in a dream

And baby all you ever give me
Is five minutes in a dream

Why visit like this?
Five blissful minutes
Entranced by your ethereal image
Isn't enough to explain where the light went
You left me lifeless
I spent all day craving you until I passed out from exhaustion
And you arrived when the night did
With all your devices
Your timing is perfect like you look once you're all did up under the lights
On the pedestal I always, always put you on
And as soon as I begin imagining this fantasy will last
You're gone
I used to wanna fight like cats and dogs
I'd stay awake until dawn
Learning all the words to your favorite songs
And it all felt worth it because I thought I would love you forever
But I was wrong
I thought I loved you just the way you were
But I was wrong
I didn't want you
I wanted the angel inside you
I didn't need you
I needed the angel inside you
I didn't want you
I wanted what's inside of you
I didn't need you
I needed what's inside of you
I didn't want you
There's an angel inside of you
I didn't need you
There's an angel inside of you
I don't want you
I want the angel inside you
I don't need you
I need the angel inside you
I don't love you
I I love what's inside of you
I don't love you
There's an angel inside of you

I don't want you any more
You're a filthy little whore
I don't love you any more
Just leave me on the floor
Leave my corpse to rot
Cuz I gave you all I got
can't give anything else
I can't even help myself
Though I thought you were heaven sent
Instead I only loved what you represent
Track Name: Conflicts III
Time to drown in tears again
Self-pity
At time I fear I am my only friend
Forgive me
I promised I would leave you alone
But our bond won't be severed
You threw me a bone
I was emotionally tethered
Asking myself everyday
Could we ever be together again?
I know the answer is never

But you know I'll never change
Oh,lord, I'll never change

And it's wrong to be so jealous
I know it's wrong

It's wrong
It's wrong
It's wrong
Track Name: Bitterness Exercise
Oh, and I always think its the last time
Then it creeps up real slow
Right past my spine

I try to scrape away the resin that resides
In the nooks and crannies of my mind
But no matter how hard I try
To scour away the contents
They're intrinsically entwined
I've got far too much resentment memorized
They say "Don't you know you crossed the line?"
No, didn't even realize
Now it's too late to rectify
All the lies that I testified
They told that they hate me
Well they told me with their eyes
And I?
I just sat back and ingested the pesticide
Oh, don't look so surprised
Now gather around all you hollow children
It's time for the bitterness exercise

When I was nine I thought I was a superhero
So I wore my costume to school
I knew it was weird, I had no fear though
But as I stood atop the slide
Wearing my yellow costume with pride
Some boys started throwing rocks
And my moment was crushed
I pictured what I looked like
And watched myself blush
Oh, what a rush
I felt so fucking low I could just give up
But I didn't
I jumped off the slide and picked a stone up
Theirs were breaking my skin
So I threw mine harder
We both got lunch detection
I requested no barter
I left that town and made new friends in 4th grade
But no matter how much time passes
The bitterness stays

When I was fourteen
All my friends told me they couldn't talk to me anymore
Because they thought I had arranged infighting
Amongst then a few years before
I remember their faces looking down on me
As I sat on the floor
And they all laughed at me
When I screamed"this means war"
The next day in school I never felt more ignored
They told everybody I was a bastard
A backstabber and far too strange
So I walked the halls in a haze
And everyone looked at me
Like I was a dog covered in mange
And it drove me insane
I couldn't cope with the pain
Something snapped in my brain
I would never be the same
I used to be trustworthy and outgoing
But never again
And out of my mortal remains
Rose BK James
Track Name: Ashamed
I'm not afraid
To say I'm ashamed

I'm usually too bitter to admit
To myself
My actual deficiencies:
Apathy, acrimony, paranoia
Jealousy, bigotry and schadenfreude

But I'm not afraid
To say I'm ashamed

I like to live life like
I have no regrets
But if I said I had no regrets
That'd be the biggest lie
I'd told yet
Because I dwell on the sum of every single action
I beget
Any single misspoken moment
Could result in waking up soaking wet
In a cold sweat
Jarringly reassuring me
That it ain't over yet
Oh, far from it

But I'm not afraid
To say I'm ashamed

And my list of regrets has grown so long
I still feel guilty long after I was wrong
Like when I was 5 and gorged on oreos
Until I was so full I could only lick the cream
Or the I way I feel around other people
When I remember the things they did to my dick
In my dreams

But anyway,
Yesterday I was smoking hash
And came across a yearbook from I was in fifth grade
And it gave me fifty flashbacks
And I didn't feel shame
And then I turned the page
And saw the Angel
And you had the same
God damn look on your face
I thought you must have worked on for a decade,
fell for you the moment I saw it, yet to fade
And I couldn't believe how little you'd changed
But you were so little and innocent
And it's really such a shame
We couldn't have stayed that way a little longer
There I was starting at an ancient picture of you
With the taste of another girl's pussy crawling on my tongue
Replaying every thing I've ever done
I smelled her fresh stink on my fingers
And thought to myself, "this is no way to behave"
I should have left you alone when she decided to stay
I took a wrong turn, continuous decay
Unafraid to sacrifice my integrity without decay
Somewhere in my head I remember every bit of innocence
I whisked away
Eating chocolates in a hotel room
Knowing soon I'd have to pay
Years later hiding soda and candy in my closet
In the same sad play
More recently I might of had diabetes
And it was driving me insane
Waiting to hear what they had to say
When the results came back that I was OK
I ate a pint of Ben and Jerry's that same day
Show some restraint?
That's gay

Thought I'd be sober forever, now I'm gone off the white
Haven't seen you in years, thought I'd make you my wife
Just this week I ate two pints of ice cream in one night
Still ain't got diabetes, hell of a life

The things I really wanna say
Are the things I could never write
And I won't even try because they wont come out right
Those are the things I'm too ashamed to say out right
So I hope you don't think this song is too dark
Really it's more relatively day without night
The real song is night without a day, or a day without light
Cuz the things I really wanna say
Are the things I could never write

But I can't quite
Accept them yet but I just might
Wear this dirty laundry for the rest of my life
And if I fall off a cliff
And land in a ditch
Well that'd be fine
As long as I don't have to face what I keep inside
I've felt so sorry for myself that I cried
But I never shed a tear for someone else
And I don't know why
It's not my fault I tell myself every time
I just haven't found a tall enough mountain to climb
And I'm so fucking good
At convincing people I am what I'm not
I look alive on the outside while my insides continue to rot
And I'm so fucking good
At convincing people I am what I'm not
I'm a poetry major who can't write a line
Without smoking pot

As a kid I could never save my last allowance dime
And I'd sit in my room jerking off a thousand times
My fantasies are boundless
Which is why I'm so ashamed of my lack of sexual prowess

But I'm not afraid

Of dying
No, I'm not afraid
Of lying
I'm just afraid
Of trying
I'm just afraid
Of crying

No I'm not afraid
of dying
I'm just afraid
of crying

But I'm not afraid
To say I'm ashamed

Death is life's sweet reward (hurrah!)
The cold mistress I've long adored (hooray!)
The cost of living is too steep to afford
I know the fate which I'm headed toward
And I think I've made it clear enough
Though its often been ignored

But im not afraid
To say im ashamed
Track Name: Forgotten
I'll never shed another tear again

Shhh….

Forget every word I've ever spoken
I don't forgive or feel forgiven
No arms around me hold me closer
I don't need oxytocin to hold me over
Shut every door I've ever opened
Shoulda had my lips sewn shut
So I couldn't've swallowed those forbidden potions
Often hostile, always wanton
Didn't listen
Options wanted, promptly trodden
Bit the blister
Digging filthy fingers deep within my cold skin
To rip withered splinters from the bottom of my guilty heart
Also known as the broken
Tree where the fruit of my labor blossoms rotten
Oh, what a dream it would be to be forgotten

Disregarded
Unaccomplished
No contact
And no conflicts
Oh what a dream it would be to be forgotten

I won't return the things I borrowed
Unfilled expectations don't bring me sorrow
I won't sleep tonight, I can't face tomorrow
And all these skilled observations only bring me sorrow
Memories won't let me be
Oh what a joy it would be to not be me
And I didn't leave a legacy
And you didn't hear this elegy
And I didn't have to feel empathy
And I didn't have to feel empty
Heaven nor hell need grant me entry

Sparser
Darker
I've long overplayed my part in this farce
I'm a method actor in a twenty two year tenure
As an asshole character with failure in my nature
Engaging in negative ventures
Slave to behavior
I can't place where my faith went
Blackened by hatred
I put my back to my statements
Slacking in complacence
Skating on the razor's edge
Waiting for the end

Forget every word I've ever spoken
Lose every word I ever wrote
Oh, what a dream it would be to be forgotten
Not even a ghost