To those still alive Searching for a simple sign The answers you seek are inside Of splintered mind comes a hindered life My presence evokes dark images of wintertime Now I'm trying to steal your heart because someone else Irreparably injured mine I'll never be genuinely kind That's like selling paintings to the blind They may be beautiful but they're all lies It feels like using sandpaper to dry your eyes Which I'd rather do than smile And shake hands with someone I despise I might be vile but that's something I decide When bitches start bitching I spit bile, generosity denied And that's how we currently arrive At this point of no return, I'm sure it comes as no surprise To find the following so cold you'd think you'd died So if after tonight if I never get another chance to look into your eyes: Goodbye

There's no life on Mars There's no peace in Heaven I'm not a preacher And this is not a sermon. Every trip down memory lane I regret for the journey I tread through the thick of it Knowing it'll hurt me Sleep is better than death But not by much I know the inner workings of love But not by touch Plagued with sorrow Wracked with madness The picture was complete When I bought the black canvas Some say life is too short But I think mine is slow enough I'm the oldest of my friends And the least grown-up If I feel like shit It's because I am If I commit a sin It's because I can The meal is served And I been starving A pity it was my heart That I was carving Plagued with sorrow Wracked with madness The picture was complete When I bought the black canvas I've burnt some bridges And broke some glass I still feel vindicated By every window I smash I've been kicked out And I've been arrested And I still think the worst bit Is yet to be digested It's not my fault If I wanna die young And expedite the process For when my time comes Plagued with sorrow Wracked with madness The picture was complete When I bought the black canvas Responsibility Is killing me Drugs are withering My mental fertility Still it seems Better than rotting in a facility Are you kiddin' me? Sometimes I think I'm like a cancer That's kills divinity And drinks in the abysmal imagery I weave the simile Savagely aiming for invisible timidity I could make it happen If I had enough creativity The canvas lay blankly before me I hear the angels callin' An artist needs a piece But my heart is stallin' I splatter it with my soul And I'm crest fallin'

It's too much to bear And it's too late to change It'll never get better Or so desperation claims And everyone who believes these claims Desperation claims And draws in the reigns And turns up the heat But turns down the flame Ice grows in their hearts Drugs go in their veins And even if they don't Love won't keep them warm So their disposition is always the same: Forever sorry they were ever born What a shame Forever sorry Endless apology Nobody Got nobody Desperation whispers in your ear You'd be happier if you had never been here Honestly And it won't hurt Hardly And when it's over you won't be Sorry Kristina never went to a party She works hard for her money Used to go to church on sunday But not for some time She likes a bunch of dumb bands like sublime Rarely gets a chance to unwind Kristina's hope is dropping sharply She think's she's so ugly And wants nothing more but to runaway And kill today You only get one live She wants to die tonight Because she can't continue to hide From her emotions though she tries So hard to stay alive But the temptation to play with knives Warps her mind She thinks drawing blood is the only way To feel the warmth inside Got her ribs kicked in Didn't even cry No more tears from these black eyes She remembers the salty sting of pride And sometimes at the sunrise It feels like it's been a good ride But it's time to say goodbye Why Kristina, why? Why don't you fight back You might find a nice guy If you stop wearing so much lack She knows what it feels like to be loved But not to love back Forever sorry Endless apology Nobody Got nobody No end in sight except a sloppy Gory second of glory And then there's no more apologizes No more emotional chokehold policies People are shit They treat you like property You're more than a commodity You're more than just a body Obviously And desperation whispers in your ear You'd be happier if you were never here Honestly And it won't hurt Hardly And when it's over you won't be Sorry And when it's over you be Sorry How bad can it get? She asks herself and wipes the spit off her face And picks up her things The aches and pains are nothing new And people may look on but they hate to fucking do A god damn thing For a bird flying home on broken wings When she landed in her nest She didn't look depressed What she was feeling was too much to express The anxiety persists It's too much to accept She didn't know what to expect At the end of this death wish She couldn't even guess She put the blade to her wrist Just to take an inch of flesh She likes the smell of blood when it's fresh She likes to paint her arms blood red Blood dripping on the bed Blood gushing, rushing to her head It's the most she ever bled It's the best She could pull the knife away whenever But keeps cutting instead No regrets Inches away from death she wept Swept up in the moment Hopeless and broken Her least breath crept up And was stolen The blood keeps flowing She can barely keep her eyes open She questions where she's going Despite introspection she still insists It's a suffering worth knowing At least now they'll know she suffered The blood keeps flowing Her heart fluttered She considers what a disgusting corpse She's left to discover Maybe she should have left a note for her mother She shudders Smothered with blood's cold comfort Who ever said it won't hurt? It's worse than love She looks down at her shirt and thinks "There's too much blood" Yeah, there's too much blood There's too much blood, baby Yeah, there's too much There's too much blood There's a flood in the valley Carved into her arm She receives no grand finale No shocking revelations No ride through the stars No new sensations No near-death experience type charms No delicate explanations Or glorious illustration Of the inner workings of her heart And definitely not a map that says "here you are" We all play a part Hers fell apart Now it's all gone dark Where she'll lay forevermore Unless someone knocks on the door And recharges the spark But I'm not sure that'll work But what do I know? I'm a jerk How will this tale end? I'm not sure But for what's it worth I hope an unquenchable lust for life is unearthed Within her but she'd have to survive first And the pressure and anxiety Her survival would bring forth From concerned family and friends Would probably just make her want to die more There's so many things she didn't have time for And maybe I'm just a little sore I didn't make her my whore Kristina if your still alive tonight's yours But if your dead what the fuck am I still crying for?

I'm not afraid To say I'm afraid Saying all we have to fear is fear itself Is like saying the worst part about dying Is death But I'm not afraid To say I'm afraid Afraid to fail And afraid to fall Afraid I've been derailed And all The drugs and alcohol Caused my serotonin Levels to drop so low They'll never replenish Going through the motions Detached from the premise Phoning it in from another dimension I'm so pretentious But when I look in the mirror I see only Blemishes But I'm not afraid To say I'm afraid Afraid of a restaurant I ate at in a nightmare It has no name but last night I was right there I swear It doesn't exist and yet I still care Still cling to my despair Still bitter I didn't get my share But I won't do a thing I wouldn't dare I'm too scared But I'm not afraid To say I'm afraid Every time I crawl out of the shadows I find myself falling in artificial love Which is bound to burn out quicker Than the artificial sun Oh, if only I wasn't so shallow And you, being super superficial yourself Well you made it all about yourself And how can I say I don't doubt myself When all I do is doubt myself? It was always about myself Now I bake all day in the artificial sun But unfortunately when I wake I ain't caked in artificial cum But I'm not afraid To say I'm afraid Of dying alone But then again who won't? As I gaze through the smoke I see a lonely throne Or maybe it's a tomb Afraid this vision will end soon I'm afraid I ate too many mushrooms I'm afraid I wrote too many looney tunes And now I don't have much left to do I'm afraid only death will save me from you But I'm not afraid To say I'm afraid Afraid I've been on the same page for too long Afraid I'll never move on Afraid I'll never let go Because from that first blissful second I laid eyes on you My love has been nothing but an echo

It was an accident I swore it'd never happen I was overwhelmed by passion And now I love her more than I should You know I can't control my actions Yet you never understood I can't explain the attraction It's more than I can fathom But if I could, I don't think I would She's so much different than you I just wanted to try something new Moving on is what I've longed to do It's true I want to be more than shit at the bottom of your shoe But for some reason I have a feeling you and I Are not yet through I was so happy to have something at last I'd been waiting so long to have you in my grasp For a second we were having a blast But it shattered so fast Gone in a flash And a thousand years later I still suffer the past I was so happy to have something at last I'd been waiting so long to have you in my grasp For a second we were having a blast But it shattered so fast Gone in a flash And a thousand years later I still suffer the past Oh, Amy, she's perfect for me She likes my corny Poetry and stories You always found so boring I think about her all night And she's on my mind When I rise In the morning I don't feel the same shame for adoring Her that I did for you And I don't feel regret for ignoring Your warnings that I didn't heed Like the millions of texts I sent but you'd never read Initially you told me I wouldn't be Able to handle you and I was finally forced to agree Defeat conceded A few short years before I wrote a song called 'conceited' About my inner weakness But despite the title I still bitterly Lived in misery Because of the way you treated me I used to think you completed me Which is the reason I'm still depleted Never thought I'd meet another girl who might be That big, missing piece of me But I did Amy, and she's perfect So why do you still dwell beneath the surface? Until I'm certain I'm vermin Incurably infatuated, sure I serve no purpose But as long as one last lick of flame Still flickers in my heart's furnace I'll still be determined To make her mine Like I demanded of you when you were still a virgin Which you haven't been in a very long time Yeah, I'm still determined to make her mine Like I demanded of you when you were still a virgin Which you haven't been in a very long time I was so happy to have something at last I'd been waiting so long to have her in my grasp For a second we were having a blast But it shattered so fast Gone in a flash And a thousand years from now I'll still suffer the past And I'll torture myself for never getting a chance And I'll torture myself for never getting in her pants I would give anything for one last chat But she's leaving me, Amy, and that's that I was so happy to have something at last I'd been waiting so long to have her in my grasp For a second we were having a blast But it shattered so fast Gone in a flash And a thousand years from now I'll still suffer the past I was so happy to have something at last I'd been waiting so long to have her in my grasp For a second there we were having a blast But it shattered so fast Gone in a flash And a thousand years from now I'll still suffer the past She's leaving me, Amy Just when I thought I was getting close She deceived me, Amy Love ain't so fleeting ain't it I remember when you got up and walked away I went ape shit And I punched a hole in the wall All for your mother's entertainment I found someone new for your information But she's leaving me, Amy So I come crawling back for more of the same shit Well aware of the implications

Oh, Amy It's been so long since we talked That I can't even remember the last thing we talked about But I still remember how it felt to hear so much resentment In your voice And it's been so long since we fought about How we got nothing to to talk about I've almost convinced myself it's all noise I was just your toy I care about you more now more than you ever cared about me And it feels like I've been whispering that over and over in my own ear For at least a century We weren't meant to be But you knew you meant so much to me I tried to downplay your sexuality You were so pretty I could've waited an eternity But I don't blame you for eventually needing to get away from me That's fair I shouldn't have tried to make you fill the void I always made you so annoyed You always made me so jealous I used to give you presents Just to let you know I cared And every one in a while I'd say something stupid so you'd give me a smile Just to let me know I'm real I loved our wild little schemes I still want to give you everything you need I want you to feel the way I feel I want to give you all my seed But all you ever give me Is five minutes in a dream I know I hurt you Hurts me too Still hurts me every single time you find someone new You gave me fear, anxiety, tears And cigarettes when I was broke I gave you tears, lies, bad vibes And the first cigarette you ever smoked I gave you an addiction Because I wanted you to be addicted to me Like I was addicted to you But I couldn't afford your love and love is never free Now all you ever give me Is five minutes in a dream And baby all you ever give me Is five minutes in a dream Why visit like this? Five blissful minutes Entranced by your ethereal image Isn't enough to explain where the light went You left me lifeless I spent all day craving you until I passed out from exhaustion And you arrived when the night did With all your devices Your timing is perfect like you look once you're all did up under the lights On the pedestal I always, always put you on And as soon as I begin imagining this fantasy will last You're gone I used to wanna fight like cats and dogs I'd stay awake until dawn Learning all the words to your favorite songs And it all felt worth it because I thought I would love you forever But I was wrong I thought I loved you just the way you were But I was wrong I didn't want you I wanted the angel inside you I didn't need you I needed the angel inside you I didn't want you I wanted what's inside of you I didn't need you I needed what's inside of you I didn't want you There's an angel inside of you I didn't need you There's an angel inside of you I don't want you I want the angel inside you I don't need you I need the angel inside you I don't love you I I love what's inside of you I don't love you There's an angel inside of you I don't want you any more You're a filthy little whore I don't love you any more Just leave me on the floor Leave my corpse to rot Cuz I gave you all I got can't give anything else I can't even help myself Though I thought you were heaven sent Instead I only loved what you represent

Time to drown in tears again Self-pity At time I fear I am my only friend Forgive me I promised I would leave you alone But our bond won't be severed You threw me a bone I was emotionally tethered Asking myself everyday Could we ever be together again? I know the answer is never But you know I'll never change Oh,lord, I'll never change And it's wrong to be so jealous I know it's wrong It's wrong It's wrong It's wrong

Oh, and I always think its the last time Then it creeps up real slow Right past my spine I try to scrape away the resin that resides In the nooks and crannies of my mind But no matter how hard I try To scour away the contents They're intrinsically entwined I've got far too much resentment memorized They say "Don't you know you crossed the line?" No, didn't even realize Now it's too late to rectify All the lies that I testified They told that they hate me Well they told me with their eyes And I? I just sat back and ingested the pesticide Oh, don't look so surprised Now gather around all you hollow children It's time for the bitterness exercise When I was nine I thought I was a superhero So I wore my costume to school I knew it was weird, I had no fear though But as I stood atop the slide Wearing my yellow costume with pride Some boys started throwing rocks And my moment was crushed I pictured what I looked like And watched myself blush Oh, what a rush I felt so fucking low I could just give up But I didn't I jumped off the slide and picked a stone up Theirs were breaking my skin So I threw mine harder We both got lunch detection I requested no barter I left that town and made new friends in 4th grade But no matter how much time passes The bitterness stays When I was fourteen All my friends told me they couldn't talk to me anymore Because they thought I had arranged infighting Amongst then a few years before I remember their faces looking down on me As I sat on the floor And they all laughed at me When I screamed"this means war" The next day in school I never felt more ignored They told everybody I was a bastard A backstabber and far too strange So I walked the halls in a haze And everyone looked at me Like I was a dog covered in mange And it drove me insane I couldn't cope with the pain Something snapped in my brain I would never be the same I used to be trustworthy and outgoing But never again And out of my mortal remains Rose BK James

I'm not afraid To say I'm ashamed I'm usually too bitter to admit To myself My actual deficiencies: Apathy, acrimony, paranoia Jealousy, bigotry and schadenfreude But I'm not afraid To say I'm ashamed I like to live life like I have no regrets But if I said I had no regrets That'd be the biggest lie I'd told yet Because I dwell on the sum of every single action I beget Any single misspoken moment Could result in waking up soaking wet In a cold sweat Jarringly reassuring me That it ain't over yet Oh, far from it But I'm not afraid To say I'm ashamed And my list of regrets has grown so long I still feel guilty long after I was wrong Like when I was 5 and gorged on oreos Until I was so full I could only lick the cream Or the I way I feel around other people When I remember the things they did to my dick In my dreams But anyway, Yesterday I was smoking hash And came across a yearbook from I was in fifth grade And it gave me fifty flashbacks And I didn't feel shame And then I turned the page And saw the Angel And you had the same God damn look on your face I thought you must have worked on for a decade, fell for you the moment I saw it, yet to fade And I couldn't believe how little you'd changed But you were so little and innocent And it's really such a shame We couldn't have stayed that way a little longer There I was starting at an ancient picture of you With the taste of another girl's pussy crawling on my tongue Replaying every thing I've ever done I smelled her fresh stink on my fingers And thought to myself, "this is no way to behave" I should have left you alone when she decided to stay I took a wrong turn, continuous decay Unafraid to sacrifice my integrity without decay Somewhere in my head I remember every bit of innocence I whisked away Eating chocolates in a hotel room Knowing soon I'd have to pay Years later hiding soda and candy in my closet In the same sad play More recently I might of had diabetes And it was driving me insane Waiting to hear what they had to say When the results came back that I was OK I ate a pint of Ben and Jerry's that same day Show some restraint? That's gay Thought I'd be sober forever, now I'm gone off the white Haven't seen you in years, thought I'd make you my wife Just this week I ate two pints of ice cream in one night Still ain't got diabetes, hell of a life The things I really wanna say Are the things I could never write And I won't even try because they wont come out right Those are the things I'm too ashamed to say out right So I hope you don't think this song is too dark Really it's more relatively day without night The real song is night without a day, or a day without light Cuz the things I really wanna say Are the things I could never write But I can't quite Accept them yet but I just might Wear this dirty laundry for the rest of my life And if I fall off a cliff And land in a ditch Well that'd be fine As long as I don't have to face what I keep inside I've felt so sorry for myself that I cried But I never shed a tear for someone else And I don't know why It's not my fault I tell myself every time I just haven't found a tall enough mountain to climb And I'm so fucking good At convincing people I am what I'm not I look alive on the outside while my insides continue to rot And I'm so fucking good At convincing people I am what I'm not I'm a poetry major who can't write a line Without smoking pot As a kid I could never save my last allowance dime And I'd sit in my room jerking off a thousand times My fantasies are boundless Which is why I'm so ashamed of my lack of sexual prowess But I'm not afraid Of dying No, I'm not afraid Of lying I'm just afraid Of trying I'm just afraid Of crying No I'm not afraid of dying I'm just afraid of crying But I'm not afraid To say I'm ashamed Death is life's sweet reward (hurrah!) The cold mistress I've long adored (hooray!) The cost of living is too steep to afford I know the fate which I'm headed toward And I think I've made it clear enough Though its often been ignored But im not afraid To say im ashamed

I'll never shed another tear again Shhh…. Forget every word I've ever spoken I don't forgive or feel forgiven No arms around me hold me closer I don't need oxytocin to hold me over Shut every door I've ever opened Shoulda had my lips sewn shut So I couldn't've swallowed those forbidden potions Often hostile, always wanton Didn't listen Options wanted, promptly trodden Bit the blister Digging filthy fingers deep within my cold skin To rip withered splinters from the bottom of my guilty heart Also known as the broken Tree where the fruit of my labor blossoms rotten Oh, what a dream it would be to be forgotten Disregarded Unaccomplished No contact And no conflicts Oh what a dream it would be to be forgotten I won't return the things I borrowed Unfilled expectations don't bring me sorrow I won't sleep tonight, I can't face tomorrow And all these skilled observations only bring me sorrow Memories won't let me be Oh what a joy it would be to not be me And I didn't leave a legacy And you didn't hear this elegy And I didn't have to feel empathy And I didn't have to feel empty Heaven nor hell need grant me entry Sparser Darker I've long overplayed my part in this farce I'm a method actor in a twenty two year tenure As an asshole character with failure in my nature Engaging in negative ventures Slave to behavior I can't place where my faith went Blackened by hatred I put my back to my statements Slacking in complacence Skating on the razor's edge Waiting for the end Forget every word I've ever spoken Lose every word I ever wrote Oh, what a dream it would be to be forgotten Not even a ghost