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Ashamed

from Sanity Requiem by BK James

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I'm not afraid
To say I'm ashamed

I'm usually too bitter to admit
To myself
My actual deficiencies:
Apathy, acrimony, paranoia
Jealousy, bigotry and schadenfreude

But I'm not afraid
To say I'm ashamed

I like to live life like
I have no regrets
But if I said I had no regrets
That'd be the biggest lie
I'd told yet
Because I dwell on the sum of every single action
I beget
Any single misspoken moment
Could result in waking up soaking wet
In a cold sweat
Jarringly reassuring me
That it ain't over yet
Oh, far from it

But I'm not afraid
To say I'm ashamed

And my list of regrets has grown so long
I still feel guilty long after I was wrong
Like when I was 5 and gorged on oreos
Until I was so full I could only lick the cream
Or the I way I feel around other people
When I remember the things they did to my dick
In my dreams

But anyway,
Yesterday I was smoking hash
And came across a yearbook from I was in fifth grade
And it gave me fifty flashbacks
And I didn't feel shame
And then I turned the page
And saw the Angel
And you had the same
God damn look on your face
I thought you must have worked on for a decade,
fell for you the moment I saw it, yet to fade
And I couldn't believe how little you'd changed
But you were so little and innocent
And it's really such a shame
We couldn't have stayed that way a little longer
There I was starting at an ancient picture of you
With the taste of another girl's pussy crawling on my tongue
Replaying every thing I've ever done
I smelled her fresh stink on my fingers
And thought to myself, "this is no way to behave"
I should have left you alone when she decided to stay
I took a wrong turn, continuous decay
Unafraid to sacrifice my integrity without decay
Somewhere in my head I remember every bit of innocence
I whisked away
Eating chocolates in a hotel room
Knowing soon I'd have to pay
Years later hiding soda and candy in my closet
In the same sad play
More recently I might of had diabetes
And it was driving me insane
Waiting to hear what they had to say
When the results came back that I was OK
I ate a pint of Ben and Jerry's that same day
Show some restraint?
That's gay

Thought I'd be sober forever, now I'm gone off the white
Haven't seen you in years, thought I'd make you my wife
Just this week I ate two pints of ice cream in one night
Still ain't got diabetes, hell of a life

The things I really wanna say
Are the things I could never write
And I won't even try because they wont come out right
Those are the things I'm too ashamed to say out right
So I hope you don't think this song is too dark
Really it's more relatively day without night
The real song is night without a day, or a day without light
Cuz the things I really wanna say
Are the things I could never write

But I can't quite
Accept them yet but I just might
Wear this dirty laundry for the rest of my life
And if I fall off a cliff
And land in a ditch
Well that'd be fine
As long as I don't have to face what I keep inside
I've felt so sorry for myself that I cried
But I never shed a tear for someone else
And I don't know why
It's not my fault I tell myself every time
I just haven't found a tall enough mountain to climb
And I'm so fucking good
At convincing people I am what I'm not
I look alive on the outside while my insides continue to rot
And I'm so fucking good
At convincing people I am what I'm not
I'm a poetry major who can't write a line
Without smoking pot

As a kid I could never save my last allowance dime
And I'd sit in my room jerking off a thousand times
My fantasies are boundless
Which is why I'm so ashamed of my lack of sexual prowess

But I'm not afraid

Of dying
No, I'm not afraid
Of lying
I'm just afraid
Of trying
I'm just afraid
Of crying

No I'm not afraid
of dying
I'm just afraid
of crying

But I'm not afraid
To say I'm ashamed

Death is life's sweet reward (hurrah!)
The cold mistress I've long adored (hooray!)
The cost of living is too steep to afford
I know the fate which I'm headed toward
And I think I've made it clear enough
Though its often been ignored

But im not afraid
To say im ashamed

credits

from Sanity Requiem, released April 20, 2015

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BK James New Paltz, New York

BK James is the infamous co-founder of Three Penis Productions, an experimental music label, and has been steadily releasing music since a handful of BK & KGC songs appeared on Youtube in 2010. For more from BK, check out:

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